Life that wasn't

“Most people go to their graves, with music still in them”, said Oliver Wendell Holmes. Whatever happened to the instincts, ideas, imagination, creativity and enthusiasm that were within me while I was growing up in school and college? I had loads of these and enjoyed trying my hands at every thing that fascinated me. Be it a sport, travel, adventure, art, anything. The years in school and college had given me enough opportunities to follow my instincts and allow the creative part of me to bloom. Doing so, had given me an immense sense of satisfaction and a sense of achievement, more so, to say happiness. There was always someone around who shared the same interest as I did. There was never a shortage of encouragement and company to do what I really wanted to do. I was the Jack of all trades, without being expected to be the master of any.

At this phase, I am living in a city where I have come to earn my bread and butter, my living. Here I have very few people who share the same interests as I do. Time has become a major considerable factor. All the enthusiasm, ideas and imagination are devoted only to work. There seems to be very little left to do at the end of a tiring day. It has been like this for the last couple of years. The disinterest has long started to fill inside me, although, there are still unexplainable urges that erupt within me to cherish the adventurous, beautiful and exciting aspects of life. But these urges don’t seem to last long, not event until they are fulfilled. They seem to die the very next moment they arise. Planning for fulfillment of my wishes only takes negative turns. All the absurd thoughts such as the amount of time it would take, or the lack of company, the weather, the transportation, the physical exertion that it may involve to satisfy my urges, starts pounding my brain fatally. Eventually, at the end of it, I pull myself back and became lethargic. As the time passes by and as I am getting older, I can see that the encouragement and support to chase my desires are kicking the bucket. All that is left for me to do or more so, expected of me is to ensure a secure career, a commitment to secure my future, and give back to my family and friends.

I am anticipating such time where I will once again be allowed to break myself free and lead myself in chasing and fulfilling my desires. The saddest words are:

“I should have,

I could have,

It might have been,

I wish I had,

Only if I could have given a little extra”

I dread these words and I pray and hope that life never gives me the chance to say them. I do not want to go to my grave with so much of life waiting to be explored around me.

12th April

It’s nice to be back here, writing my life as days pass by. I would so want to write continually, without a break, but time as it is, the master. The past couple of months have been the trying times. I was too engrossed with the work, that I had overlooked a lot of things. Well, any more reasoning here, would reveal that I am suffering from "Excusitis", a serious disease, I think I must let the reason for my absence be understood.

A lot of things have changed around me, since I stopped writing. Many of which I can't recollect at this moment. But a few notable ones, as it flashes in my memory, Thamarai got Married, Vijay is blessed with a son, Madhuri got married, Pradeep got engaged which I am unable to believe yet (Pradeep, if you are reading this, please try to suppress your killer instincts), Lakshmi a.k.a Laks, Lux, etc. got engaged too (Which is even more unbelievable), yet I am happy for both these guys and wish them a happy life ahead. I bought a flat in Bangalore, with a little monetary help from my Dad (his little monetary help comprises of 65% of the cost of the flat, though). As proud an owner as I am of the flat, I however hate the financial freedom that it has taken away from me. My brother shifted to Mumbai for better career with a top investment banking firm. And most important of all, a part of the project that I am working on has finally come to "near end". That is very much the reason I am back here.

I seem to have suddenly found a lot of time for myself, and hence have decided to be active around here as well take up reading. Just today, I borrowed myself couple of books. This being a long weekend with a local holiday on Monday, I guess I will take the opportunity of drowning myself into the books. Reading is however, a choice I made because of the poor planning of the weekend, despite knowing that it’s going to be a long one. I had actually planned to work today, but only late last evening, I received a mail saying that the servers in the labs were going to be Shutdown for the UPS maintenance. And that was it. It ruined all.

Yesterday, Senthil, Thamarai, Adrian and I had been to Laks's engagement party. Adrian and Thamarai left soon after dinner. Senthil and I stayed back. It was a long time since we met. We were waiting for Lakshmi to finish his dinner, so that we could bid him good bye and leave. But Laks had different plans. He came and asked us to be at Shan Royal in Koyembedu. Well, his party wasn't over. What's the party without the drinks anyway? We met at the venue shortly. And the real party began. It was, after a long time that I had a hearty laugh. I asked him about the story that led to his engagement. I was surprised with the story. Laks had registered himself in a matrimonial web site. He had received two acceptances. The first one was from a girl in Bangalore. He rejected her because of the following reasons: she does not watch Tamil films, she is not fond of music and most importantly she was not a fan of Vadivelu. Shabaaaa........ As astonishing as it sounds to me, it is as logical to him. Laks is a person who takes things lightly and cannot afford to loose his humor at any point of time. He thrives on the funny aspects of life and it is important for him that the people who he hangs out with appreciate that fact. He has this uncanny ability to cheer up the atmosphere around him. When you are with Laks, Smiles and laughter is all you are with. Some of the best times of my life include my times with Laks. (But Laks, if you are reading this) Rejecting a girl for not being a fan of Vadivelu is still too much for me to digest.

After a great evening, I came back at 12.30 pm and dived straight into bed. It was a long day after all. Woke up today at 12.00 pm. That’s the duration the earth does half the rotation in.

Comeback - Saturday 12th April

Making a comeback is one of the most difficult things to do with dignity and I am trying to do it, again, but nobody ever tells me where I've been.